What is the second key value for compatibility?

The second trait that we talked about is what we call connection. It s really about someone s need and desire to be connected with people. So, where do they get energy from? Do they get energy from being around people all the time or do they need a fair amount of quiet down time to themselves? This can be a huge challenge in a relationship. For example, if you have got someone who gets all their energy from being around, someone really loves being around people and it can even be just small groups of people. It doesn t have to be large groups of people but they really enjoy and feel a sense of fulfillment out of being connected with someone.

That person is really going to want to spend a fair amount of time with their partner or mate. Even if they are together in the same room doing different things, they still just want that kind of, bonded connected feeling. Whereas other people who we might call are lower on the need for connection, are people who need more independence, they need more quiet down time to themselves. They actually get exhausted from having to be with someone all the time. They just need more of their own space, they probably need quiet time. They need to process information. So, they need to be off on their own.

So, if you have opposites in those areas, over time what can very easily happen is that misunderstandings and resentment form. So, the person who is high on the need for connection, if they don t understand their partner who is low on the need for connection, when their partner needs to be away and needs quiet down time, the person who is high on the need for connection will feel like, their partner really doesn t love them. Their partner doesn t need them; the partner doesn t want them whereas that s not necessarily the case at all. It s just their partner who is low on the need for connection, truly needs time to reenergize just needs quiet processing down time. It has nothing to do with that person s desire or love or need for their partner. It s just that their needs are fulfilled in a different way. So, the more we can understand that people are different, they are not better, one is better, one is not worse, one is not right, one is not wrong, one is not good, one is not bad, they are just different.

If we can truly understand that and respect the differences in our partner, then it can work but it is hard for us to really understand another person s point of view because we can't walk in their shoes. On the other side of the spectrum, it is important to understand the person who is lower on the need for connection; he can feel totally smothered and suffocated by the person who is high on the need for connection, if that s what their partner is. They start to resent their partner and they can think of their partner who is high on the need for connection as being clingy and needy and all those negative connotations.

So, that person who is low on the need for connection can't understand that their partner truly gets energy from being with them. They get energy through connecting with another human being. So, the person who is low on the need for connection also needs to understand that their partner isn t necessarily needy and clingy and insecure. They just get energy in different form. So, the more we can understand one another and where we are coming from the better, but it is challenging. So, it makes a long lasting relationship a whole lot easier if both people are similar in terms of their need for connection whether that need is in the lower range, the medium range or the higher range. If somebody is in the medium range, it is easier for them to live with the lower range and the higher range but if you have got somebody who is very low on the need for connection and someone who is very high on the need for connection, that can be a challenge.