Host: Why does lovemaking seem to change over time and become just sex in a marriage?

Chris Wright: Over time in a relationship, lovemaking can start to turn into more and more into just sex and there is a primary reason for this. When we first fall in love with someone, where the source of the pleasure is coming from the love that is generating the experience, it is not so much focused on sex and so what happens is, is that when a couple gets married and over time, as they go through the honeymoon phase so to speak and they start becoming more emotional distance and realities sets in.

There seems to be less loving energies that are freely expressed in relationship and so when this less loving energy is there and they are present in lovemaking, the experience starts devolving and going down the range towards just pure physical sex and so what couples tend to do is they start to rely on their imagination, to give it meaning, to give it richness. They start to focus on triggering, highly charged, highly pleasurably charged, erotic and romantic fantasy substitutes, imagining, imprinted energies desires, needs that it becomes sexualized growing up that when you trigger those that it releases the lot of those pleasures inside.

So, the focus starts to become more on what we call getting each other turned on. These are turn-ons that we have in each of us when you do those things that turn me on, they trigger these memories, they trigger these imprinted energies and bring up a lot of pleasure for me and that is why they are called turn-ons. Each of us has different set of turn ons, one thing might turn you on, is not much of the turn on for me. I do not have a charged energy associated with that need or that image.

Men and women tend to have different kinds of turn ons. The masculine energy tends to be more visually, more erotically oriented and so certain ways that you look or what you wear, let s put on a video, let us do this or have you do that are highly charged erotically for the man and create an tremendous amount of pleasure for a man and for a woman it might be more romantic oriented, love oriented.

When you do certain things that make me feel like you care about me, you are romancing me that it triggers those archetypes, those imprints and makes me feel loved. Women need to have some sense of some semblance of love and caring for them to be able to project a fantasy bond on to the act that just pure physical sex alone probably would not be as meaningful for the woman so she needs the project on to them some sense of a love or romantic connection that you could stimulate.

But the difficulty is, is that when sex starts becoming sex is when we starts focusing on these turn ons and as soon as we starts focusing on the turn ons then we are no longer really, making love.