If we're in love, why can there be so much conflict or tension?

Host: Why can there be so much conflict and tension in a relationship when a couple is really in love?

Chris Wright: Here is the thing, when our needs are met, it nourishes us in some way, it makes us feel whole. We are getting an experience of something outside of ourselves that replicates something that we are missing deep inside. So it fills us in a way that feels wonderful and makes up indeed feel whole, it s a very fulfilling experience. But when those needs are not met or when they are disregarded, the exact opposite happens. We start to contract inside; it starts filling this with agitation, maybe hurts our feelings or we get anxious. This is the source of the conflicts in the relationship and in that moment, we could lose touch with our sense of being in love with the person, maybe we are so angry or hurt in that moment. But it s true that this is really a natural part of being in a relationship, we all have these areas of insecurity, of emptiness inside.

So from time to time in life, as it stretches us, those areas are going to get triggered and up comes those feelings inside. If we have the tools, if we have the frameworks, so that we always work through it in a hard felt way, then it s fine and then we stay ahead of it. If we do not have these frameworks, if we do not have those tools, then there is no emotional safety and the whole thing over time can start driving us apart.