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Host: What is the second principle for conscious conflict resolution? Chris Wright: The second principle in conscious conflict resolution is, no more criticizing and blaming. Let me say it again, no more criticizing and blaming. I mean, really if you put yourself in your partner s shoes, for whatever happened it would make complete sense to you what shows up. If you extend yourself out of your frame and put yourself in their frame, if you have a sense of the pressures that are going on for them, you would make complete sense what they did and make sense to them. In fact, when you know they are Enneagram type, people of the Enneagram type that is what they do. With his Enneagram or her Enneagram type, with the way they were brought up, with the way things have gone in their week so far, it makes absolute sense, why they do, what they do. So when you understand that how can you blame them, how can you get in an argument, it makes complete sense what they did and so understanding is a key component to seeing and relating to, what goes on for other people and it keeps you from having conflicts unnecessarily. The second reason that people tend to get criticized or blamed is because what happens with the other person is done, he is triggered some pressures inside me, some insecurities in me, some frustrations in my personality, some needs that aren t met and that agitates me and so I become critical to that person who triggered it, but really if I did not have those pressures inside me, if I did not have those needs, it would not be a problem. I mean, there is many things that my partner does that I recognize, this is in perfections or he is over the top but they are not bother me, it s like, Yeah, he does that, no big deal. The only ones that bother me, the only ones I want to criticize him for are the ones that push my buttons, that trigger my stuff and if I did not have my stuff, I would not have the frustration, the criticism or the shame in or blaming and so who is really the source of the problem here, who is the source of the tension, who is the one with the insecurities that are getting triggered and so really both people have the part to play but I have to recognize, when I am criticizing someone I need to take responsibility and in own the pressures I have instead of projecting them on to my partner.
Expert: Chris Wright
Chris Wright is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. He sees clients in the Washington, D.C. area and has telephone clients from all over the world. He also has over 35 years of experience as a trainer and workshop leader in human and organizational development across the U.S. and Canada. Chris was founder and director of the Human Relations Institute in Houston, Texas. He was More »
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How can you make a relationship a success? What are the dynamics, skills and tools that will ensure a happy, fulfilling, and more intimate couple’s relationship? Whether you are single or a couple, recently More »
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Tags: Enneagram, Love, Conflict, Relationship, Marriage, Couples, Intimacy, Romance, Communication, Premarital, Separation, Divorce, Anger
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