When something is bothering me, how do I get someone to change?
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If we're in love, why can there be so much conflict or tension?
What is an example of tensions creating conflict using the Enneagram?
Is the problem our unmet needs or how we communicate our needs with our partner?
In a conflict, isn't someone right and someone wrong?
What should we do when our needs conflict?
How do we prevent having conflicts with each other?
7 Basic Principles for Concious Conflict Resolution
Self-Awareness of Your Personality is the 1st Principle
What does the Enneagram teach about self-awareness?
How do you know when your personality is "Over the Top?"
Do we need to analyze all the issues from our past?
How does self-awareness of your personality help?
How can I identify all the areas in my personality where these pressures show up?
What if what I want in a conflict doesn't seem over the top?
What do we do with our ego needs?
2nd Principle: No More Criticizing or Blaming!
Doesn't honest criticism get your partner to change?
When something is bothering me, how do I get someone to change?
3rd Principle: Take Responsibility in a Conflict
4th Principle: Relating is the key to harmony when needs conflict
If I don't agree how can I validate my partner?
If I don't know what my partner is upset about how can I validate it?
5th Principle: Both Person's Needs Matter!
6th Principle: Is This the Setting to Really Resolve This?
7th Principle: You're Not Entitled to Freely Dump Your Tensions
How to Have a Successful Relationship (Part 4): Spice up Love
How to Have a Successful Relationship (Part 1)
Part 3 - How to Have a Successful Relationship: Tools for Resolving Issues
If we're in love, why can there be so much conflict or tension?
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Chris Wright is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. He sees clients in the Washington, D.C. area and has telephone clients from around the world. So if you are having difficulty in your relationship, call for a free telephone consultation. Chris was Director of the Human Relations Institute in Houston and with PAIRS International -- training psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists in couple's skills programs. As an innovator in the field, he has developed a unique blend of tools that increase the effectiveness in relationships. He has Masters Degrees from the University of Arizona and Antioch University in Los Angeles.
When something is bothering me, how do I get someone to change?
Host: When something is bothering me, how do I get someone to change?
Chris Wright: When something is bothering you, what s necessary is to create emotional safety so that they can stretch, they can grow, they can learn to adjust their bar to meet your needs. So, whenever I am triggered, whenever my partner has done something that brings up tension for me, I want to create a framework that establishes enough emotional safety together that we can both discover what s this really about, what s really going on here, what accounts for the pressures inside each of us. This shows up as a conflict.
Transcripts
Host: When something is bothering me, how do I get someone to change?
Chris Wright: When something is bothering you, what s necessary is to create emotional safety so that they can stretch, they can grow, they can learn to adjust their bar to meet your needs. So, whenever I am triggered, whenever my partner has done something that brings up tension for me, I want to create a framework that establishes enough emotional safety together that we can both discover what s this really about, what s really going on here, what accounts for the pressures inside each of us. This shows up as a conflict.
So, from my side, I want the framework to allow me to really share and discover what this is about for me. What does this bother me so much. I know that there is some other person on the planet who is in the same situation it wouldn t trigger them. So what are the insecurities, what accounts for the brittleness inside of me? Then I want to create even more safer for you to discover, what s going on for you, what are the pressures inside you that give rise to what showed up you how come you weren t more aware, more sensitive or more proactive. Truly, there must be some pressures going on. Anything that, everything that everybody does all the time, I am going to suggest come from a response to these needs, these pressures inside them, so there are never a neutral. If I am wanting my partner to do something and there are not doing it, it s because there is other needs, other pressures that are stronger inside of them that are overshadowing what I wanted and so I want to create a framework, a heart felt conversation that makes it safe for them to discover, well, what are those pressures that are getting in the way of you meeting my needs, or creating this conflict. Those pressures may be within yourself, we want to find out what they are, they may come from the environment, we need to find out of those things going out in the outer world that are getting in the way and those pressures may be coming from me that you may feel that I am too judgmental or too critical or coming on too strong and that s creating some resistance for you, whatever they are I want to create safety so these can emerge. Finding out what it s really about, that s where the power is, that s where the possibility for change, not the excuses we give each other, not the rationalizations for what we are doing, that s on the surface that something always deeper that s going inside. If I am criticizing you, if I am shaming you, if I making you wrong, it s not a framework of emotional safety for you to explore these areas, to expose these vulnerable areas inside yourself so, then you do give me the excuses or you shut down. In both cases we lose and so, I want to take advantage of these situations, so that we actually get results so that ends up where both of our needs are being more fully met from having this conversation.
How do we find our personality needs using the Enneagram?
What are the nine personality needs in the Enneagram?
How can we learn more about our own Enneagram type and our partners?
How can we identify what our core personality needs are?
What is the most important Element or skill in discussing issues?
Tools for Listening so That You Always Feel Heard
Can I always de-escalate the pressure?
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